here we go again

its like 1 am. i miss him so much. no one knows whats its like. i keep telling myself it will stop hurting but it keeps hurting worse. i cant sleep tonight. how can i sleep knowing my best friend isnt here. he would be the one to tell me im fine. to tell me its ok. he would be cracking some joke or say something funny to help me move on.  its like that goo goo dolls song "and u cant fight the tears that aint coming, all the moments of truth in your life, when everything feels like the movies. ya you bleed just to know ur alive. and i dont want the world to see me cuz i dont think that they would understand when everything is made to be broken i just want you to know who i am." this is the third night i will not sleep. just toss and turn. my head feels like its going to pop. i remember when i was a little girl i asked my dad if he could marry me. he laughed and said that i had enough room for two men in my life and i was forever married to him. 

He promised that when he would walk me down the isle that he would cry . cry that i would move on and not be his little girl but he knew ill always knew i would be his punkin. I am so messed up. Daddy syndrome went from wanting every guy in my life to not wanting any at all. How can i learn to love any man and when i know the inevitable.  that at any moments notice i could go through losing someone i love. 

stupid ass migraines wont quit. sleeping would fix that, but who knows if it will get better???  Today i listened to my voicemail this is what i heard....

June 12th 2oo7

: Hey punkin, its your dad. just thinking about you... a lot lately. your graduating in a couple days and i cant make it out there to see you graduate. it uhh--- it makes me so sad. but lets concentrate on the positive.cuz if i go down the road of feeling sorry for myself... well then ill never get anything accomplished. im proud of you. i really really am proud of you. and i love you very much... and i know i haven't been the best dad in the world.... but uh let me tell you, your in my thoughts and prayers all the time. and ill be in spirit with you on stage that day and wishing i was there. and i love you hunny. buh bye.

How can i breath with out the man who said he will love no matter what. the man who changed my diapers. and who watched me grow,

The man that loved me so much he lied and fought day and night to get custody of me. I always wonder, how unfair it is that my parents divorced forcing me to miss out on the the little time i had with my dad.

I feel so guilty. How come i didnt see him sooner. I feel like its my fault. Hoe come i wasnt there to kiss him goodbye and to tell him i loved him. The last conversation i had i promised him i would talk to him again and i was CHEATED. cheated of talking to the one of the 2 most important ppl in my life. 

"cuz i am barely breathing and i cant find the air. dont who im kidding imagining you here. and i cant stand here waiting oooh for another day. i dont suppose its worth the prize its worth the price the price that i would pay. " 

I love you, ill never forget you, ill never let you go. And i promise the day i get marrried i will hold your hand, I will walk alone down the isle. Because NO ONE WILL EVER REPLACE YOU. You are my confidant, my idol, my hero, my best friend, and the best father a punkin could ever ask for. 

love you daddy

mmmmmm chia latte

Ok so right now im drinking, yes once again, a chai latte. But thats ok cuz i woke up an hour early and went on a run. Nothing like meeting your neighbors in a sweat drenched t-shirt. Any who i have so much to tell about my weekend!!! So Thursday night i went out dancing with the girls. I seriously love hanging out with those girls more than anything! My DT rebels (minus morgan). What you know bout manic Mondays???? 

Anywho on Friday I hung out with my Roxy! she is the best dog in the whole world. Later that night i went to work at a bat mitzvah with one of my dancers Carlos. We had so much fun/ and awsome work out just chillen with a bunch a little kids, eating dank food, and getting PAID 4 IT! ye ya talk about living the life! I than continued my night at Chef Karimes and partied it up with Maris, Beca, Linds, Ryan, Kyle, 2D and the rest of the gang. It was really fun especially when i was 

challenged to a dance battle against 2D. Hilarious. 

Saturday I had a Fusion dance company photo shoot. Fun fun fun. I thought it was going to be super awkward having ppl tell me to look all serious and what not. But instead they just took candids of us playing/dancing on the beach. I love it. We than moved brunch down to Denny's where I got to hold Kara's baby.

Sat night i spent with my girls once again Linds, Beca, and Maris. We all went to 3-6 Mafia which whas LAME!!!!!!! oH WELL. at least we all looked cute. 

Sunday was a good day too! I got up late, took a walk down town, when all of sudden Kara (dance company founder) jumped on me from behind and had me come join her for lunch with the baby, her husband, and Ashley (fusion dancer). They are seriously like my extended family. I love them so much.  We then went and watched Brad Pitt in his new movie. He was by far my favorite character and was super funny!!!! 

So ya i would have to say that life is absolutely amazing here in SB. i think i just need to stay focused with school and dance. OHHHHHHHH and i just one more dance thought i need to share. Last night at Jazz i learned the most fun dance to a shiny toy guns song that totally reminded me of Morgan and Nikki. 

"Flashback!"

SO... last night i was up till like 1:00 a.m. making up choreography for my hip hop classes that I teach. Talk about tired! However not to toot my own horn or anything, but I am PRETTY impressed with myself. I finally am able to to put moves to this song that i have been listening to the past 2 months! Its called "flashback" (hence the title of my blog) by Kelly Rowland. Its kinda awsome. I really like this new crave of slow jam hip hop vs the gnarly crumping hip hop. (Sorry Missy, Clowning is over).  Now Im hanging out in the library before I go to my psychology class at 1. Boooooo :( maybe Morgan will finally get online so we can silently Ichat. Oh well at least I have tonight to look forward to. YAY SOPHIE'S BIRTHDAY WOOP WOOP!!!!  This would be me avoiding the inevitable psyco I mean psychology class!

dance dance dance

The last couple days it has been dance dance dance... oh hey and some more dance! Cant complain though really. Any who so here is my reflection on the last couple weeks since i havent been a good blogger lately.

Two weeks ago I went up to San Luis Obispo. It was really nice cuz i got to see some old friends but most importantly i got to hang out with my old dancer friends. LOVE THEM. How is it that I always stay closest with friends  from dance??? Morgan, Nikki, Chirstina, Sophia, Leticia, Mandy C, Elijah... Maybe i subconsciously only like dancers. That must be it. Anywho, im really glad I went up there because I was ITCHING to leave by the end of the weekend. Brittney + SLO = :( 

Lat weekend I stayed in Ventura, so i could have a family weekend. An unfortunate tragedy left a wonderful family with out a mom and wife, and my mom took it really hard. I felt the need to stay close to her.  On Friday I went to the game to watch dance team. Hilarious! They brought the wrong c.d. which left like four girls in tears and then once they did get the right music, in the middle of the dance the football players ran onto the field!!! HAHAHA But the girls were amazing and kept dancing anyways. (Not laughing at the girls, just the whole list of events).  Sat i hung out with my Kyrstie girl who enlightened me once again on my fashion sense as she always does. Sunday ( my favorite day)  I went to a benefit for the humane society with me and my mom. It was so much fun. There was a silent auction and me mom were stalking these two paintings. She HAD to win. So as the competition began to get the best of my mom, she so quickly was brought back to reality when a little old woman came up to shake the hand of a wonderful competitor... She was going to put the painting in her piano room. You should have seen my moms face. BAHAHAHAHA priceless!!! 

So now im just doing SOME MORE HOMEWORK..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

santa barbara sunset

so right now im on my balcony looking at the most amazing sunset. Its kinda wierd to think how happy I am here. I love everything about santa barbara. I think im in love :) This year is going to be awsome! I spent last night with a couple of my closest friends and it felt SO right. And I have met the coolest people here too as well, most who are all from my second family, FUSION. I love it. 

Wish I could share all this with him. Love ya daddy. Signing off ...

Punkin

the Nevison Video Letter

so after I popped my blog cherry with my some-what emo post "still mad", I was going through some old family stuff and i struck GOLD! I found a video my dad had taken of our family when i was six. Now, although i was crying like baby through the entire thing, it was really nice to hear his voice. I have been really angry at myself lately because I haven't been responding to my dads death all that well. But im pretty sure it was because the last couple years he was alive, he wasnt himself. He wasnt the dad i remember.  But after watching this video of him, all my questions of "did i really even know him?" or "was he even the same dad as before?" all went down the drain. The dad my sisters and brother knew was the dad who has been sick. The dad I knew is a whole different person. He was creative, loving, AWAKE, happy, and as always hilarious. I guess the reason I cant cry is... well.... I lost my dad three years ago. Although there was a point in time this year when he really pulled through for me during some heart ache of boy and his infected new girl toy of the month (haha yes morgan you know). "Well Britt.. you know what the difference between love and herpes is right?? Herpes lasts forever."

He always had away for making me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Man i miss him. 

still mad

Today the death certificates came in the mail. There they were in black print "Brent Nevison...cause of death...time of death....". I dont know why it hit me so hard, but it did. It said nothing about how he left four kids behind. A little boy who is only eight years old and never even got the chance to play a game of basketball wit his daddy. A thirteen year old girl who struggles with understanding why someone took her best friend. A sixteen year-old whos entire life got flipped upside down and now she doesnt even have her knight and shining armor to guide her through her troubled teenage years. And finally a heartbroken and regretful nineteen year-old who cant even look in the mirror with out feeling guilty and short-handed. It just stated the facts. The fact of the matter is, is he died of a broken heart. And it should have said under Contributing Causes of Death: Lukemia, Depression, and a BROKEN HEART from his no-good fuck up of an ex-wife DEBBIE CRAIG.


I guess i still have a lot of anger left from all this...